All The Things That Make You Go AHHH!
by Wonderfall
Summary: The little moments of life that make your jaw drop. All funny, romantic, strange, and mind-blowingly stupid! D
1. Bloody Tampons

**Author's Note: Um. Yea, I'm bored as hell. I need a job. And, yea I really, truly from the bottom of my heart apologize for this. But enjoy! IT'S GREAT. REALLY. READ IT...**

**SO... **

**I dedicate this to my friend Lilly! She has given me countless moments of pure laughter, a deep sentimental friendship, and well the greatest away messages of today. This one is for you, Lilly!**

**JKR owns all Harry Potterness.**

**Bloody Tampons**

- - -

"I'm bored."

"Me too."

"Want to go out and play some quidditch?"

"Nah, weather is complete rubbish."

"Wizarding chess?"

"It's no fun when you know you're going to lose."

"Do you want to ... share feelings?"

"..."

"Never mind."

"..."

"How about we sneak out into the night, purge the castle of it's evils, and save the day!!"

"Okay!!"

Harry and Ron grabbed their special equipment: invisibility cloak, wands, a lantern, and their Juicy Fruit gum. You never know know what's going to happen when danger a foot! And together, as great friends, Harry and Ron sneaked out into the night, under the safety of Harry's invisibility cloak.

Standing outside of the common room portrait, Ron said to Harry, "Where do you reckon we should go?"

"Um. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." Harry put his hand up to chin and rub it as if in deep, philosophical thought.

Ron copied him, "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

"Where would the evils of the castle lurk during this wretched night of EVIL?!"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-." Harry started choking on his Juicy Fruit gum.

Ron patted him on the back. "LIVE!! LIVE! HOLY POOP LIVE!!"

"Ok... ok... I'm OKAY!" Harry struck a pose.

Silence.

"So, the girl's bathroom?"

"YES! QUICKLY RON, BEFORE WE ALL LOSE OUR LIVES. TO THE GIRL'S BATHROOM!"

And together they rushed off, to save the day... in the girl's bathroom.

When they got there, they crept in silently. They heard giggling.

"Ginny, I mean. C'mon, you know Ron. He's a terrible kisser."

"I really wouldn't KNOW that Hermione. Gosh, you're gross. You think I go around kissing my brother?"

"Just teeeellllll meeeee I want to know, what does a really good kiss feel like?"

"I don't know, it's all good... and stuff."

"Well that doesn't help at all."

"I could... show you?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Maybe not."

"Ugh, STOMACH CRAMP OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. AHHHHHH OH GOD OH GOD. Ok it's gone." Hermione suddenly screamed.

Harry and Ron looked at each other, speechless.

"So, Hermione?"

"Yes, Ginny?"

"I had sex yesterday!"

Hermione gasped at the same time Ron did, so he went unheard.

"No way, Ginny! Did you not think of the consequences of committing to such an act? WHAT IF YOU GET PREGNANT AND THEN THE FATHER CALLS YOU A WHORE AND LEAVES YOU TO DIE ON YOUR HOSPITAL BED IN LABOR WHILE A LIVING CREATURE THAT YOU CREATED ENDS YOUR SHORT LIFE JUST BY BEGINNING HIS OR HERS AND THEN HAS TO GROW UP ALONE, UNWANTED, AND THEN BECOMES A PROSTITUTE AT A YOUNG AGE, GATHERING UP EVERY STD KNOWN TO MAN AND WIZARD AND YOU'D YOU BE LIKE DEAD FOREVER?!" Hermione screamed, pulling her hair.

"Hermione, relax. I used a contraception spell. I'm not pregnant."

"PHEW!" Hermione wiped her brow.

"Besides, I'm on my period."

"Oh my gosh, me too!" Hermione and Ginny embraced happily.

"My, I need to change my tampon." Hermione walked into a bathroom stall.

Harry and Ron were wide eyed and slightly scared. They had no idea this kind of evil existed!

"Sooooo." Hermione prompted from behind the stall door.

"Sooooo?" Ginny said back.

"Who'd you have sex with?"

"Oh, Harry of course!"

Ron slowly turned to Harry, his left eye twitching badly.

"YOU HAD SEX WITH MY SISTER!?" He bellowed loudly.

"ONLY ONCE!!" Harry screamed back and ran into the nearest stall for cover.

"OH MY GOD!! BOYS IN THE BATHROOM!" Ginny cried, pointing.

"YOU HAD SEX WITH MY SISTER!?"

"I'M SORRY!"

"HOW COULD HAVE SEX WITH MY SISTER?!"

"SHE... SHE... RAPED ME!!"

"I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!" Ginny yelled and stormed into a bathroom stall, clearly upset.

Hermione walked out of her stall and looked at Ron. "What are you doing in the girl's bathroom, Ronald!"

"We were purging the castle of evil!" He whined.

"YOU ARE SO INSENSIBLE!!"

"ME!? What about you!? Get that bloody tampon out of your ass already!"

"RONALD THE TAMPONS DON'T GO IN YOUR ASS!!" She stomped her foot and went back into her stall.

"WHERE ELSE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GO?!" He yelled, clueless.

Hermione came back out with a bloody tampon in her hand. "YOU! FUCK YOU-LOOK. WANT TO SEE MY BLOODY TAMPON? HERE!" She threw the bloody tampon straight at Ron. It hit him directly on his forehead and then fell down onto the floor with a small _plop._

"YOU CAN HAVE IT! I CAN GET MORE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She continued and then stormed out of the bathroom.

Ginny came out of her stall and followed her, muttering "JERK" under her breath as she passed by Ron.

After a few seconds, Harry came out of his stall and saw Ron, huddled into the corner, rocking back and forth, a small blood stain on his forehead.

"Are you okay, Ron?" He asked slowly.

"Tampon... tampon... tampon..."

Harry looked down at the floor and saw the tampon. His eyes widen as he realized what happened.

"Oh... god. Tampon."

- - -


	2. Ahh! Tumors!

**Author's Note: This is a ficlet for my best friend, for her 19th birthday! I heart you so much, Lilly! Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!! **

**JKR owns the Harry Potter world. I just play in the Harry Potter sandbox.**

**Ahh! Tumors!**

**- - -**

Draco sat down in his favorite chair. It was green, it was poofy, it was big, it was awesome. And when I say awesome, I mean super awesome. Like awesome on awesome levels of awesomely awesome awesomeness. It had been a long day, full of paper work and yelling at his employees and yelling at his lawyers and yelling at his secretary, and meetings that involved yelling at his employees, his lawyers, and his secretary.

What could Draco Malfoy say? He was perfectionist, and his employees were fucking lame-os who couldn't do their job if they actually had a brain.

But it didn't matter, because Draco was in his favorite chair, the chair that was green, poofy, big and super awesome on awesome levels of awesomely awesome awesomeness.

His chair was just so good, it made him feel like peace was blessing itself onto the world, like rainbows and chocolate frogs and kittens and leprechuns were dancing happily all over the place, handing out joy and love and happiness.

Maybe his chair was gay.

...

...

It was still awesome.

He sighed and leaned, if possible, even further back into his green, poofy, big, and super awesome on awesome levels of awesomely awesome awesomeness chair.

But no sooner had he gotten comfortable than he was scared half to death by a shrill voice. "MALFOY!!!!"

He jumped out of his chair as a woman with brunette hair rushed into his study. She looked at him with wide eyes.

"I..." She squeeked.

"You?" He prompted.

"I...." She began shaking and then started to pace back and forth in front of him.

"Granger, what the fuck is going on!?" Draco was freaking out!

She stopped pacing and looked at him, confusion and fear over her face. "I have... something... to tell........ you?"

"What. Is. It?" He pronounced every word, slightly annoyed.

"I'm-" She paused looking dreadul. "I HAVE A TUMOR!" She was blurted out and then started spazzing.

"A TUMOR!?"

"TUMOR??!"

"TUMOR!??!?!"

"TUUUUUUUUUMMMOOOOOORRR?????!"

"But.... that engagement ring I got you was so expensive." Draco said sadly.

"I DON'T REALLY HAVE A TUMOR I'M JUST PREGNANT!" Hermione screamed and then covered her mouth with her hand, looking scared to death.

Draco visibly relaxed. "Oh. Ok. Can we name him Scorpius?"


	3. Typo!

Author's Note: Another one-shot that will make you go AHH. Erm. Enjoy?

* * *

Once upon a time, in the land of Harry Potter there was a typo. Hermione Granger was a brilliant witch, who killed the bell curve, impressed anyone and everyone, and was destined for great things.

In her 7th year of school at Hogwart's school for Witchcraft and Wizardry, she was bestowed the honor of Head Girl. It was a position she desperately wanted, and was grateful to have received.

When the letter came, she practically danced herself out of her bedroom window with excitement.

"MOTHER! FATHER! OH. MY. DEAR. LORD. HEAVEN. AND. JESUS. AHHHHHhHHhHhhhhHHHhHHh!!!!!" She screamed, having just read the great news.

Her parents, having mistaken the shattering scream as something dire, rushed into her room, out of breath and staggering. Her mother was holding an iron skillet and her father was holding a baseball bat, posing for attack!

"I MADE HEAD GIRL!" Hermione screamed again. She then began a jig of success. She flailed her arms around, shook her hips back and forth, and moved her feet to the step of a very off-beat tune. "I made Head girllllll. I made Head GIRRRLLLLLL. UH HUH. UH HUH. THAT'S RIGHT OH YEA!!! OH FU-!" She yelled as she grabbed onto her bed post to stop herself from falling out her opened window. "Phew. That was a bit close."

On the Hogwarts Express, all Hermione could speak of was her title.

"Head Girl! ME!" She would exclaim happily.

"Shut up Hermione. WE KNOW!" Her friends would out cry out together. But nothing could stop her happiness.

After the feast, she learned that the Head Boy and Head Girl shared a dormitory! She didn't know who was Head Boy yet, but was too busy shouting out with joy.

She was about to go explore her new rooms, when the typo came in.

Instead of the correct sentence, "Head on straight, Hermione set off to explore." The sentence, "Head on straight, Hermione set off to explode." appeared.

And so, on her first day of her 7th year of school as the brand new Head Girl… Hermione Granger exploded.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter, does it honestly look like I would publish anything of my own? xD


	4. Convulsion Blues

**Author's Note: Here's my confession: My best friend is a freak. Therefore you get some entertainment. Here's another installment in a strange and rather stupid story! =D**

**Convulsion Blues**

* * *

"RONALD WEASLEY!", cried the one and only Molly Weasley. Upstairs, in his room right under the attic, Ron's body began to convulse with fear.

"Ron, it's ok!" Harry quickly grabbed onto his shoulders and gave him a firm shake. "JUST BREATH. IN. OUT. IN. OUT. IN. OUT."

Ron began to take in short puffs of air in sync with Harry's instructions. "IN!" In. "OUT!" Out. "IN!" In.

"Honestly!" Hermione cried. "He's not in LABOR!"

"RONALD WEASLEY IF YOU DON'T COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW I'LL MURDER YOU WITH SOCKS!!!!" Mrs. Weasley yelled from somewhere below.

Ron began to shudder chaotically, arms flying around everywhere, small saliva bubbles formed in the corner of his mouth.

"Oh that's gross."

"Not as gross as when you explode on our first day of 7th year, 'Mione." Harry reminded.

"MUST WE TALK ABOUT THAT, HARRY? REALLY? YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT EMBARRESSING THINGS? REALLY? YOU WANT TO REMIND ME OF THE STUPID THINGS WE'VE ALL DONE? REALLY? YOU WANT-"

Harry walked up to her and slapped her across the face. A loud CLAP resonated off the walls and all that was heard was Ron's strange and gargled moaning.

"Thanks, Harry. I needed that one."

"No problem. Now what do we do about Ron?" Harry turned to his red-headed friend with a worried and slightly disgusted face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if Ron doesn't come to soon enough for Mrs. Weasley to steal his soul OR make him degnome the garden, we could find ourselves in some MAJOR trouble!!!"

"Hmm, you have a good point, Harry. I'm so proud of you!!!" Hermione smiled big, and brought her hands together in pride. Harry struck a heroic pose and well… posed.

"Ok, but seriously. What do we do?"

"Okay we have many options here. We can do a simple-"

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Harry suddenly yelled and began to jump up and down with excitement. "Let's wax his eye brows before he comes to!"

"How will that help with Mrs. Weasley in the slightest??!!"

"Well, if his eyebrows are gone then Mrs. Weasley will be terribly upset and maybe she'll forget what she wanted from Ron in the first place."

Hermione thought it over. "Yea… no."

Harry frowned, causing his face to look long and his lips to pout.

"I was thinking one of us should use a glamour charm on our self and POSE as Ron so that none of us get into trouble."

Harry thought about it for a second. "That could work! But which one of us should do it?"

"Well, which on of us knows him the best? If Mrs. Weasley get's suspicious, she surely stab us in the face."

"Yea, I can't go around with a face stab, it doesn't do good with the laadiesss." Harry said trying to sound suave, but failing miserably.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I think it should be you, Harry. You are his best mate, you've slept together in the same room for 7 years and you've spent most of each summer here as well." Hermione pointed out each fact pointedly.

"RONALD, I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T COME DOWN IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES… YOUR. LIFE. WILL. BE. OVER."

Harry and Hermione shared a desperate look.

Then Harry said, "Yes, but you were his girlfriend for a short time! And you're incredibly smart, clever and beautiful."

"What does that have to do with knowing Ron more?"

"Erm… nothing?"

"Harry!" Hermione chastised.

At that moment, Ron convulsion got terrifyingly bad and his body completely spazzed out before he went unconscious.

"Okay… one of us has to do it and….. I'M NOT IT!!!" He

Hermione glared at Harry, her right eye twitching slightly. She knew she couldn't deny the "not it rule" and finally gave in.

"Alright. I'll do it. We need to hurry. You go down to the bathroom and get some water to try to bring him to!" She said while pulling out her wand and beginning to cast complex spells to transform herself into her friend.

"OKAY!" Harry struck up another hero-like pose before rushing off to the bathroom for a wet cloth and a bucket of water.

Hermione, remaining the room, levitated Ron onto his bed. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her work was incredible. She looked so much like Ron, skinny, pale with freckles, and messy red hair. The only problem was her height. Ron was a good 14 inches taller than she was.

But she was Hermione, and Hermione always knew how to solve a problem. She reached over to the desk where she set her purse down earlier and brought out a small pouch. Inside the pouch were her home-brewed potions for emergencies. Sorting through the various bottles, she finally found what she was looking for: a Growing Up Potion. She drank it all. The warm potion slipped down her throat and immediately she felt the effects begin.

Looking into the mirror, she saw as she grew a foot and a half in length and expanded outward as if she had bulky muscles.

"There we go!" Hermione smiled proudly at her reflection and then walked out of the room. On her way down stairs she ran into Harry.

"Oi! Ron, are you better now? Your mum is looking for you." He chatted as they walked towards each other.

"Are you daft? Harry! It's me!!!"

"Ohhh!! Hermione?? Wow. Sorry, I had a blond moment." Harry looked down and ran passed her.

Hermione shook her head at her foolish friend, and continued down stairs. When she reached the bottom step and turned the corner, she saw Mrs. Weasley cooking in a very nice dress. Then, something occurred to her that she hadn't thought about.

"_What about my voice?!"_

Improvising, the doppelganger cleared her throat to make her presence known. Mrs. Weasley turned around and glared.

"There you are son. What are you guys doing up there?"

Hermione swallowed and tried to make her voice sound as deep, as dumb, as she could. "Erm, well we were just hanging out, ya know?" She sniffed as if she had a cold.

"What's wrong with your voice, Ronnikins?"

Hermione laughed internally. "Erm, I think I just have a cold or something, ya know?"

"Oh. Well, how does it look?" Mrs. Weasley put down the spatula and turned around, obviously showing up her dress.

"Erm, it's nice Mr- Mom." Hermione was questioning the situation in her head.

"_Why would Mrs. Weasley want Ron's advice…. About a dress???"_

"It's nice, is that all you have to say?"

"Erm. Yea?"

"Well, I never. You know Ronald… I helped you out when you needed it, in return you promised to help me out when I needed advice on fashion and the such. You know I'm rubbish at it!"

"…_..what?"_

"I just need your opinion. You read all the Witch Week Fashion articles. Let's hear it!" Mrs. Weasley looked at Hermione with her hands on her hips.

"Erm, well… Erm… I'd say that you're really not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but other than that it's awesome yea!" Hermione stuttered out before turning and running upstairs, trying to hold back her laughter.

She ran into Ron's room and slammed the door before her. Ron was awake now and lying on his bed. When he saw what came into his room though, he began screaming and pointing.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Oh relax Ronald." Hermione grinned as she pictured the humiliation she was about to cause. She pointed her wand at herself and mumbled, "Finite Incantatem." Her disguise disappeared, but she was still under the effects of her Growing Up Potion.

"Jeez, Hermione! Why would you do that to me?"

"Well you convulsed until you passed out and your Mother wanted you. So I took care of that for you." Hermione continued her evil grin.

"Well?" Harry asked. "How did it go?!"

"Oh, it was fine. Ron has a cold, but that'll be fine since he needs to catch up on all his Witch Weekly Fashion magazines!!!"

Harry gave Hermione and a "what the fuck" look and then Ron a "what the fuck" stare while Ron paled and scooted down further below his covers.

"Do you have something you want to tell us Ron?" Hermione asked.

"Nope." He squeaked as he hid his entire head until the covers.

Hermione just laughed maniacally.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing Harry Potter.


End file.
